The film Up In The Air, though quixotic and fairly predictable, was charming and posed some questions that humans seem to ask quite frequently.
Is it better to risk waking up to a stale marriage in your late thirties, settled with a mortgage and kids but comfortable and content enough? Or is it better to keep your mobility and options open, commitment free and unattached but quite alone and forgettable and even regrettable to those you encounter? Does technology replace or only enhance human interaction? Can 'home' be everywhere or more than one place? Is 'family' obligation and loyalty more important inherently than our obligations to our created social families? Is it natural and healthy to create a blue-print for our lives or is it our deeper neurotic impulses that lead us to construct our plans in order to feel more in control of what is ultimately unpredictable and bordering chaotic?
It strikes me that the above-mentioned scenarios are neither better nor worse than each other. In fact, asking them in such a fashion distracts the questioner from the overarching point--the true nature of our heart's desires. All of the characters in this film were creating a way of life for themselves by chasing after milestones (marriage, 10 million miles, successful career) which symbolized their deeper desires (love, freedom, stability, happiness). If we receive a trophy for that which we have not truly achieved, it is only a plastic statue. Yet we humans tend to live by the false premises that "if A" then "B". If I get married, then I will be loved (or at least not lonely). If I travel around the world or put my job above relationships, remaining singularly unattached, I will always be free and there will be no risk of getting trapped. If my life follows my pre-set plan and conforms to my expectations, I will be secure and happy.
Upon closer inspection, it is evident that physical circumstances cannot lead to the fulfillment of our deepest desires. We can celebrate all circumstances and derive joy from them but they are not the source of our joy. Our outward realities and relationships may give the appearance of success and fulfillment, but ultimately if we desire love, freedom and security neither marriage nor a life of travel nor a high-paying successful job will lead us towards those experiences if our minds and our hearts are not already finding love and freedom and security throughout our day. Might we consider that our heart's desires and their fulfillment flow from the same source?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
You Didn't Ask But I Will Tell
From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul...
The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy was repealed earlier this week*. Five gay teens committed suicide in the fall, causing an outpouring of sympathy and calls to action such as the 'It Gets Better' project. In 2009, Ugandan politicians proposed an Anti-Homosexuality bill which would criminalize being gay with provisions for imprisonment and even death. Earlier this year, Christian music artist Jennifer Knapp announced publicly that she is a lesbian and elicited both support and outrage.
The conversation that our society is having about homosexuality has been in my mind for a long time now and I have been working on throwing in my two cents for several months now. Why? Because my gay and lesbian friends and the gay and lesbian community have played a significant role in helping me redefine my own identity as a human being and to learn more about justice, compassion, equality, and service.
When Jennifer Knapp came out, she interviewed with 'Larry King Live', Christianity Today and the Advocate. I watched and/or read all of these interviews. I feel a personal connection with her story for several reasons. One, I grew up listening to her songs and even playing them for public audiences. Two, I have come from one understanding to an entirely different understanding about homosexuality in the course of my life. And three, recently I have had some very interesting discussions with people about modern homosexual experiences and realities. There are multiple layers to this story and it is one that sinks into my very core. To tell it is to expose. I appreciate Jennifer for how she has told her story not only through music but now also in the public forums that expose her to the two sided coin of scrutiny-- criticism and support.
In the community I grew up in, homosexuality was definitely in the Sin Box. The wrongness of it was on par with the blanket wrongness of abortion and adultery and divorce. I was told that "all sin is sin" but everyone knew the subtext: some sins really are MUCH worse. Engaging in the lesser-but-still-somehow-equal sins of pride, arrogance, greed, unkindness, and well... judgment were individual matters that everyone was expected to square away privately with God. But homosexuality... that makes you an open target for public, private and personal judgment.
Since homosexuality was under no circumstances considered a biological reality, we had to be given a reason for why people would choose to be gay and subject themselves to public ridicule, social stigma, and fewer legal rights and social benefits. The video my high school administration selected for us to watch told me that gays were often abused as children or suffered poor relationships with their parents and were basically acting out their trauma later in life. Also, I was told that in the same way some people are predisposed towards alcoholism people are predisposed to being gay but that they ultimately have the choice whether or not to fall into a sinful life or to seek help and become straight-- or at least to just not act on their tendencies, deny all sexual connections and live a celibate life.
At the time, I didn't have gay friends and I liked boys so I had no personal internal struggle to cause me to question the legitimacy of this perspective. Once upon a time in my life being gay was wrong and unnatural and it was one of the pillars of moral belief that one just didn't question.
Then in college, one of my friends, who belonged to a different church denomination than I did, told me that gay people could be members at their church (and consequently, women could also be pastors. Imagine that!). I argued with her about the inconsistencies of this premise based on such and such a Bible verse. I was pretty upset about it because it seemed like a glaring error for a whole entire Bible-believing denomination to make, but she didn't seem to mind that I disagreed with her and shrugged her shoulders and just said that is what their church believed.
About a year later, I read an interview in our student newspaper from our student body president who was not only openly gay, but also an active member for the same faith community I was a part of. I knew we claimed the same brand of faith because he used some of the 'code words' that people of my particular faith at the time used to describe themselves and their relationship to God and the church. He got a lot of ridicule for his position, particularly at the southern university I attended. I kept the magazine with me for a few days and read that interview again and again. He was not only gay and an active church member, but also dedicated to community service. What really got me thinking though, was how he responded to criticism and accusations and derogatory labels from his own faith community with such GRACE. It occurred to me that I had heard that word "grace" quite a bit over the years but that he was exhibiting something with his life that described this word in a way that I didn't often see from people who used that word the most. Including myself.
During my study abroad experience in Cyprus, 3 of my American peers were gay. I wasn't particularly close with any one of them but I enjoyed their company and also the fact that I could hang out with them without feeling like I was somehow condoning their lifestyle just by associating myself with them directly. Thousands of miles away from home, I could approach them simply as people and not as a "person who I fundamentally disagreed with." I didn't seem to care anymore what I thought about gay people and nobody there was looking for me to justify why I felt it was fine to befriend them.
Since graduating from college, I have worked for gay people and become friends with gay and lesbians and transgendered people and also continued friendships with old friends who have since come out. Most of the time we are just enjoying each other's company, but like all marginalized people, their reality is different than mine. I have seen and heard similar stories over and over again of ill-treatment and discrimination, particularly from groups of people who claim to live by love and faith.
So and so's father doesn't know she likes women and will refuse to pay for her school if he finds out. So and so wants to get married to his partner of nearly a decade and with whom he shares a home and a life, but the government says his relationship is illegitimate. So and so was called a dyke or a fag in the streets and someone tried to throw something out their window at her. Jennifer Knapp was told on national television that she cannot love both God and women.
Yet in spite of these ugly realities, so many of the openly homosexual people that I know personally or have come into contact with are comfortable being who they are in spite of discrimination, hate, and violence against them. In an apt reply to the condemnation of some in the Christian community, Jennifer Knapp is now able to say , “I’m quite comfortable to live with parts of myself that don’t make sense to you” (Advocate interview).
I too, have had to say this phrase over and over again in different ways in my life. I owe so much to my LGBT friends and mentors who set a strong example of how to be who you are without excuse but always with an openness to learn, reform and love in new capacities.
" ...hold onto what is honest and true, and let the rest of it just burn."
.......................................................................................................................................................................
*Read reports (and note the interesting way that this is reported differently) on the Huffington Post, Catholic News Agency, ABC News, Fox News
**beginning and end quotes are by Jennifer Knapp.
The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy was repealed earlier this week*. Five gay teens committed suicide in the fall, causing an outpouring of sympathy and calls to action such as the 'It Gets Better' project. In 2009, Ugandan politicians proposed an Anti-Homosexuality bill which would criminalize being gay with provisions for imprisonment and even death. Earlier this year, Christian music artist Jennifer Knapp announced publicly that she is a lesbian and elicited both support and outrage.
The conversation that our society is having about homosexuality has been in my mind for a long time now and I have been working on throwing in my two cents for several months now. Why? Because my gay and lesbian friends and the gay and lesbian community have played a significant role in helping me redefine my own identity as a human being and to learn more about justice, compassion, equality, and service.
When Jennifer Knapp came out, she interviewed with 'Larry King Live', Christianity Today and the Advocate. I watched and/or read all of these interviews. I feel a personal connection with her story for several reasons. One, I grew up listening to her songs and even playing them for public audiences. Two, I have come from one understanding to an entirely different understanding about homosexuality in the course of my life. And three, recently I have had some very interesting discussions with people about modern homosexual experiences and realities. There are multiple layers to this story and it is one that sinks into my very core. To tell it is to expose. I appreciate Jennifer for how she has told her story not only through music but now also in the public forums that expose her to the two sided coin of scrutiny-- criticism and support.
In the community I grew up in, homosexuality was definitely in the Sin Box. The wrongness of it was on par with the blanket wrongness of abortion and adultery and divorce. I was told that "all sin is sin" but everyone knew the subtext: some sins really are MUCH worse. Engaging in the lesser-but-still-somehow-equal sins of pride, arrogance, greed, unkindness, and well... judgment were individual matters that everyone was expected to square away privately with God. But homosexuality... that makes you an open target for public, private and personal judgment.
Since homosexuality was under no circumstances considered a biological reality, we had to be given a reason for why people would choose to be gay and subject themselves to public ridicule, social stigma, and fewer legal rights and social benefits. The video my high school administration selected for us to watch told me that gays were often abused as children or suffered poor relationships with their parents and were basically acting out their trauma later in life. Also, I was told that in the same way some people are predisposed towards alcoholism people are predisposed to being gay but that they ultimately have the choice whether or not to fall into a sinful life or to seek help and become straight-- or at least to just not act on their tendencies, deny all sexual connections and live a celibate life.
At the time, I didn't have gay friends and I liked boys so I had no personal internal struggle to cause me to question the legitimacy of this perspective. Once upon a time in my life being gay was wrong and unnatural and it was one of the pillars of moral belief that one just didn't question.
Then in college, one of my friends, who belonged to a different church denomination than I did, told me that gay people could be members at their church (and consequently, women could also be pastors. Imagine that!). I argued with her about the inconsistencies of this premise based on such and such a Bible verse. I was pretty upset about it because it seemed like a glaring error for a whole entire Bible-believing denomination to make, but she didn't seem to mind that I disagreed with her and shrugged her shoulders and just said that is what their church believed.
About a year later, I read an interview in our student newspaper from our student body president who was not only openly gay, but also an active member for the same faith community I was a part of. I knew we claimed the same brand of faith because he used some of the 'code words' that people of my particular faith at the time used to describe themselves and their relationship to God and the church. He got a lot of ridicule for his position, particularly at the southern university I attended. I kept the magazine with me for a few days and read that interview again and again. He was not only gay and an active church member, but also dedicated to community service. What really got me thinking though, was how he responded to criticism and accusations and derogatory labels from his own faith community with such GRACE. It occurred to me that I had heard that word "grace" quite a bit over the years but that he was exhibiting something with his life that described this word in a way that I didn't often see from people who used that word the most. Including myself.
During my study abroad experience in Cyprus, 3 of my American peers were gay. I wasn't particularly close with any one of them but I enjoyed their company and also the fact that I could hang out with them without feeling like I was somehow condoning their lifestyle just by associating myself with them directly. Thousands of miles away from home, I could approach them simply as people and not as a "person who I fundamentally disagreed with." I didn't seem to care anymore what I thought about gay people and nobody there was looking for me to justify why I felt it was fine to befriend them.
Since graduating from college, I have worked for gay people and become friends with gay and lesbians and transgendered people and also continued friendships with old friends who have since come out. Most of the time we are just enjoying each other's company, but like all marginalized people, their reality is different than mine. I have seen and heard similar stories over and over again of ill-treatment and discrimination, particularly from groups of people who claim to live by love and faith.
So and so's father doesn't know she likes women and will refuse to pay for her school if he finds out. So and so wants to get married to his partner of nearly a decade and with whom he shares a home and a life, but the government says his relationship is illegitimate. So and so was called a dyke or a fag in the streets and someone tried to throw something out their window at her. Jennifer Knapp was told on national television that she cannot love both God and women.
Yet in spite of these ugly realities, so many of the openly homosexual people that I know personally or have come into contact with are comfortable being who they are in spite of discrimination, hate, and violence against them. In an apt reply to the condemnation of some in the Christian community, Jennifer Knapp is now able to say , “I’m quite comfortable to live with parts of myself that don’t make sense to you” (Advocate interview).
I too, have had to say this phrase over and over again in different ways in my life. I owe so much to my LGBT friends and mentors who set a strong example of how to be who you are without excuse but always with an openness to learn, reform and love in new capacities.
" ...hold onto what is honest and true, and let the rest of it just burn."
.......................................................................................................................................................................
*Read reports (and note the interesting way that this is reported differently) on the Huffington Post, Catholic News Agency, ABC News, Fox News
**beginning and end quotes are by Jennifer Knapp.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)